Even though children almost always feel loved and wanted, adoption doesn’t free them from struggling with their past and present at each stage of development. Adoptive parents pour tremendous effort into the initial explanation of adoption to their children but don’t always realize they will continue to deal with the topic for many years to come. It’s an inevitability less to be feared than to be prepared for, or even welcomed. The overwhelming majority of adoptions lead to successful, loving relationships; most children learn to cope with adoption as they do other of life’s hurdles. But that doesn’t mean parents should ignore their children’s uneasy feelings and hope for the best. A generation ago, many parents tried to keep adoption a secret - often from the children themselves. A growing body of research suggests a healthier message for parents to impart: our family is different. Not better, not worse, but different.
Accepting that difference can be a major challenge. “These children experience not a loss, but numerous losses,” says Brodzinsky, citing not just the loss of birthparents and their extended families but also the small prejudices they endure as constant reminders of their adoptive status. Many experience what University of Wisconsin professor of social work Alfred Kadushin calls genealogical bewilderment: “They travel backward in their mind and come to a cliff.” Though adoption usually leads to emotional snags far less acute than, say, the death of a parent, as many as 20 to 25 percent of adopted children - versus 10 to 15 percent in the general population - develop problems that require counseling or psychiatric treatment. Symptoms typically include behavioral problems, emotional stress or both. (There’s an increased likelihood that kids adopted at ages older than 6 months will suffer these consequences, though many do not.)
Parental trial and error has helped researchers understand how seeds of difficulty get planted. Example: explaining to a youngster only that “you’re the child we chose” often boomerangs a few years later when the child realizes this is a zero-sum game: he wouldn’t have been chosen if someone else hadn’t relinquished him. Researchers have learned that youngsters face potential problems in early adolescence, the point when they strive to build their own identity; the adopted child must separate from two sets of parents. That said, some psychiatrists believe the potential for danger can be overstated. “There is nothing inherently traumatic about being adopted,” says L. David Zinn, codirector of the Adolescent Psychiatry Program at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Problems are most likely to occur if other sources of stress, such as a difficult divorce or chronic family discord, are also hammering at a child. “There’s a tendency for a child to absorb an unrelated problem and for the parents to view it as an outgrowth of the fact that the child is adopted,” he says.
What can parents do? Brodzinsky - the author of a forthcoming book called “Being Adopted” - and other experts say the key to helping children is to understand how adoption colors their perceptions at each of several stages:
At this point most kids think “birth” and “adoption” are one and the same; they view families merely as groups of people who live together. A child can learn to recite - but may not understand - his or her own adoption story. Brodzinsky says parents should start by explaining birth and reproduction, thus grounding the child in his sameness to everyone else; what’s different is how he entered the family. Some adoptive parents go further, explaining that the child’s birthparents “made an adoption plan,” a concept that confers on them a caring, dignified role. But remember, your child is a tiny inquirer driven only by curiosity; don’t memorize a lengthy script to be nervously delivered the first time you’re asked where babies come from. Answer your child’s questions and, above all, view this as just the start of a discussion that will recur in years to come. As long as your child knows you’re open to the topic, he’ll comfortably return to it as he matures and can process more complex information.
Not until this stage can a child begin to grasp the full notion of adoption: he can now understand that his parents are not blood relatives and that most children do live with a biological parent. It’s at this point that the child may begin to sense a loss. “I’d say, ‘Mommy and Daddy had a problem with having a child ourselves, so you came to us through the adoption agency’,” says Zinn." ‘But you’re every bit as much our child as if you’d been born to us’." Remain approachable. Help your child understand that it’s both normal and acceptable to have mixed emotions about adoption. If the feelings are intense, gently explain that the intensity will probably be short-lived.
Children may encounter fairly sophisticated concerns, variously wondering who their birthparents are and fantasizing about them. By now kids want to be like everyone else but fully realize that they’re not. Many will want to question their adoptive parents but fear they may appear ungrateful or disloyal. Brodzinsky says those especially upset by the fact of their relinquishment may pass through stages of grief, from anger and denial to acceptance. Parents can open occasional conversations about adoption to help the child vent curiosity and feelings - and grow to accept the fact that he is different.
Questions about relinquishment - “Why didn’t they keep me? Did you have to pay for me?” - are common. Kids also are curious about their birthparents’ appearance and whether they have siblings. It’s best to answer with the truth: don’t criticize birthparents; don’t sugarcoat their predicament and don’t lie. If you don’t know something, say so. Because your child can handle only so much information at each stage, adjust the depth of your answer to the age of your child. In her book “Making Sense of Adoption,” Lois Ruskai Melina says children ask fantasy questions: could I have been born to the movie star or athlete who looks like me? (Ironically, as Freud noted, kids who aren’t adopted often wonder whether they have “real” parents elsewhere who would be more permissive and understanding than the clods they’re stuck with. “They couldn’t have been born to such stupid people, they reason,” Melina says. “They must have been adopted.”)
The central question becomes, “Who am I?” The struggle for identity is complicated by the child’s uncertainties about his or her past. The complications can especially affect children who differ ethnically from their adoptive parents. It’s crucial to sustain an atmosphere in which children can speak - and actually be heard - if adoption is on their minds. You may want to help your child find other support figures - a teacher, grandparent or adopted friend - who will lend an ear. (Adolescent weaponry being what it is, parents can expect choruses of, “I don’t have to obey you - you’re not my real mom!”) But don’t smother your child with concern. Remember, this is a turbulent stretch for every youngster, adopted or not.
The most comforting attribute of being different is that it’s never been easier. The National Committee for Adoption estimates that there are some 60,000 U.S. adoptions each year, including 10,000 from other countries. What’s more, changes brought about by the proliferation of divorce, single parenting and stepfamilies give kids adjusting to adoption plenty of company. And while parents can’t control a child’s feelings, they can ensure that the child knows he or she isn’t the only person harboring those feelings. Groups such as Minneapolis-based Adoptive Families of America, which has 260 chapters nationwide, offer such tailor-made activities as “culture camps” organized by nationality. Adoptive families attend together and experience their children’s native culture. One bonus: the children get to be not only with kids who share their heritage and ethnicity but also with adults who look like them.
Dealing with adoption is less daunting than it sounds. Parents and children unafraid of their statistical peculiarity can flourish together. Nurture undeniably helps nature: intellectually and otherwise, adopted kids tend statistically to fare better than could have been predicted from their socioeconomic roots alone. Most aren’t obsessed with their uniqueness. “Adoption is an ongoing issue for children, but that doesn’t mean it’s always the most important,” says Melina. For parents the issue is openness to a topic that will never fully retreat from their lives. It’s a small accommodation for the greatest gift they will ever receive.
Though the storytelling is a little stiff, the viewpoints expressed by a number of adoptees - including several between 8 and 13, many in multiracial families - should be interesting reading for kids who are trying to soft out feelings of their own. Says 12-year-old Amy, “Although I’m used to looking different, I don’t always like it”.
